she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
