Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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