I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
