Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
