I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
