Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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