you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
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You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
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I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.