my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.