it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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