I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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