I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
