Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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