I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
