dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
