apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
