my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
