He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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