My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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