Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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