Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
