Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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