someone threw a dead crab at me
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
where does the pee come out of this thing
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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