Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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