i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
