Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
