reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
