i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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