so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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