i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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