I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
