Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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