I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
