Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
