Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
