part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
