I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You need Xanax blowdarts
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Randomize
