You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
