I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
