A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
