Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Randomize
