the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
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