you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
