forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
