checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
