I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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