I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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