listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
