hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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