That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize
