so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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