I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
