youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Randomize
