I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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