i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
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I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
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Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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