i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
