New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
