Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
