I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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