I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
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Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
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My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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