i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
