i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
