Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
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