Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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